Oprah is going to do a show Thursday on abuse and teen dating.  The issue of abuse is definitely on my mind and I suppose that its on the minds of many, not just because of Rihanna and Chris (see the post below) but because there seems to be an increase in reported domestic violence,  multiple victim murder/suicides  This is an excerpt from my upcoming book, where I profile a socio-predator.  If it helps at least one person to take a hard look at his/her relationship...:. 

THE SOCIO-PREDATOR

I was surprised to hear from Reese.  We had a casual business relationship over the last two years.  I had heard the tragic story about his estrangement from his wife because of her alleged sexual preferences, from other mutual contacts.  He sounded so depressed, so victimized -- his wife was looking to take his life's work away after all.  He was a musician -- not a lawyer or a businessman.  I made suggestions for solutions that would protect his work.  I also discussed how the business side of his music was at a standstill and sliding downhill.  I don't know exactly when the conversation became personal, I hadn't been paying much attention to the secondary comments.  "I've had a crush on you since I met you.  Didn't you know?"  I was stunned by this "revelation".  He is a married man, so I never paid any attention to him.  He told me months ago, that he was living with a married couple, friends of his.  Now they were moving into a new house and he was essentially becoming homeless.  We talked for a long time.  He surprised me by calling back with poetry…written by him…for me.  Wow.  I had a free open airline ticket and thought that this was a good time for a business trip to Miami.  If the personal didn't work, the business would.  Interesting what one discovers when you are face to face with the reality of another human.  Reese wasn't living with married friends, he was living with the woman with whom he had a relationship of over two years, and she wanted him out of her house.  She wanted him gone because he was consuming her financially and emotionally -- and she was trying to summon the strength to get rid of him.  Reese had actually left his wife for her -- another woman -- not because of alleged misbehavior.  Reese was not the person he portrayed to the public.  He was actually insecure, verbally abusive,  had a tendency toward physical abuse, and a chronic liar.  Reese was looking for a new place to land.  After all, women had always taken care of him, even though he seemed to have a lot of anger -- even hatred -- for them, especially if they exhibited any emotional or personal strength.  Reese was a predator.  I wasn't going to be his next meal.

Socio-predators show up in a variety of genders, sizes, and colors.  A socio-predator is one who attaches him or herself to another human being using a variety of tactics to blend themselves into the lives of the unsuspecting victims.  Socio-predators are more sinister extensions of the controlling personality.  We speak of the male form of a socio-predator in a joking, yet somewhat reverent manner.  "Oh, he's just a wolf in sheep's clothing."  Someone who is a little mysterious, a little naughty and, well, a little romantic.  Unfortunately, socio-predators, male or female, are voracious in consuming their victims emotionally and financially.  They know who to target.  They know how to make you their next victim unless you are paying attention and recognize the attributes of the socio-predator.

PROFILE OF THE SOCIO-PREDATOR

The term predator is normally used to identify someone who preys upon the unsuspecting child.  These predators usually look for the child that seems unsure.  The socio-predator preys upon adults -- male or female -- and has some generally distinctive attributes that you should be aware of: Charm is an important part of their facade.  They seem to be so nice, so disarming.  They are always in a little bit of a difficulty; there always seems to be a problem or crisis.  They always need help, preferably yours.  He or she is usually being victimized by someone else… at least according to him or her.  From their distorted point of view, there is always someone who is doing something to them, creating a problem for them, hurting them somehow.  They just don't understand why. 

Their focus is always on you in public.  No one else gets your attention but him or her.  If you choose to talk to anyone else, jealousy appears, or they isolate themselves until you come to their rescue.  You are charmed by the attention, but the reality is that it is important to them that you become consumed with providing what they need.  There is always an anger lying beneath the surface of their personality.  They portray themselves as disliked, unloved, and misunderstood.  "I don't know why no one likes me," is one of their more common complaints.  Insecurity, jealousy, and a tendency to isolate themselves and you from other people are components that tend to surface at some point. 

You find yourself emotionally exhausted after dealing with them.  Predators not only want what you offer materially, they want all of your emotional loyalty, all of what you are.  It's fun at first to feel so needed.  Then you begin to realize that what makes you you is being consumed by him or her.  Money usually becomes a part of the support they need.  Without realizing it, you have begun to spend money to help solve whatever the problem is.  As time goes on, you realize there is always some kind of a problem.  You've made an investment in the potential and now realize that there will be no return on that investment. 

Truth is usually not a part of the package that you have purchased.  You begin to discover that there may be two or more sides to the sad stories they tell.  They never take any responsibility for the situations they are in or the problems they have.  It's always someone else's fault, your fault, never theirs.  As long as you are compliant, the facade is usually what you experience.  When you begin to question or not agree with him or her, a new personality appears.  The person becomes cold, distant, mean, verbally abusive, emotionally abusive and in extreme cases, physically abusive.  There is likely to be an attempt to make you feel guilty about upsetting them; the situation, in fact any situation, is your fault.  Threats to end the relationship begin to be made.  It is only when you give in or become compliant again that the new behavior stops and the facade reappears.  You find yourself apologizing for everything, becoming more compliant "just to keep peace."  This new personality is the real personality; as time goes on, the real personality becomes more prevalent in your relationship.  As you are being emotionally consumed, you begin to believe that it's your responsibility to keep the real personality in check. 

If there are children involved, watch closely to see how the person relates to them.  If these are his or her children, are they ignored, neglected, or abused?  If they are yours, how are they treated when you aren't in the room?  What do your children say about him or her when they are alone with you?  Don't dismiss their reactions and responses; children have a good sense about whether an adult is worthy of their trust.  Note: women are especially good at using their children as a part of the emotional package they get you involved in.  As you become emotionally tied to the children, the children become the blackmail she uses to make sure that you are compliant.  " I think I'll just move to California," or "I should go back to their father."  These threats translate into "either you do what I want you to or you won't get to see the children again."  There is never a change in their circumstances; financial and emotional independence never comes about.  He or she always needs you.  In reality, he or she needs to feed upon your emotional security until it becomes insecure, your financial stability until you are financially depleted.

ARE YOU A TARGET?

While anyone can be a target for a socio-predator, there are some of the attributes that make you a more likely candidate While anyone can be a target for a socio-predator, here are some of the attributes that make you a more likely candidate:

You have a reputation for being the nice guy (male or female).  Most people know that you'd do anything to help someone.

You have a quality of naiveté.  You expect people to be who they claim to be.

If you are male, you have the "Superman Syndrome."  You are always the knight in shining armor, the hero, the one who shows the way to the good life. 

You are the caretaker; you look for the stray cat, the homeless dog with puppies; you usually end up scratched or bitten in your relationships.

You are a publicly secure person with hidden insecurities.  You are good in the corporate world.  You may be a professional with a degree or two.  Education does not automatically make you smart when it comes to those you pick for relationships.  If you are insecure on a personal level, your vulnerability shows, no matter how much you believe you hide it. 

You are meek, humble, and giving in nature.  Socio-predators usually mistake kindness and humility as weaknesses that they can use to their advantage.  When he or she discovers that a person with these characteristics is actually strong and unwilling to be submissive and consumed, he or she will usually run off.  They are, after all, actually cowards.  Unfortunately, before they slink away, the socio-predator may attempt to use physical force, spread lies to ruin your reputation, or  create some extreme crisis that would cause you to remain involved with them.

You tend to be the one who takes care of everyone, especially the "underdog."  You have either the martyr mentality or the superman syndrome; you believe that it is your job to take on the often unhappy task of taking care of someone else whether he or she deserves it or not. 

You have a propensity for being victimized.  You get used to being the victim -- not recognizing that it is a role you choose to play in your relationships. 

WHAT WE NEED TO KNOW

A socio-predator does not become one unless he or she chooses to be one.  The character of a socio-predator is not going to go away or change because of or in spite of anything you do or don't do.  The ego of a socio-predator is huge; they view themselves as being psychologically superior.  They know just what to do and what buttons to push to get what they want.  He or she takes it as his or her responsibility to mold you into the person he or she needs you to be.  If they are successful, you will find yourself defending their behavior, supporting their lies and living a life that is not yours but theirs.  Predators consume, and when they are finished, they look for new prey.  You may choose to allow this type of person into your life; that is your decision.  However, you have a responsibility to yourself to recognize the risks that come with this decision, and at least draw a line in the sand as to how much of yourself you will allow another person to consume.  Ask yourself: is the reward worth the risk?